Review: Kat Cole

Teeth (2007)

Director: Mitchell Lichtenstein

Teeth tells the story of Dawn O’Keefe (Jess Weixler), a leading teenage spokesperson for a Christian Abstinence group that she and her friends are members of. Despite their supposed morals, these horny teens just can’t keep it in their pants and soon (well, actually, after about 40 minutes of extremely slow paced, character building “action”), Dawn starts getting the horny on with Tobey (Hale Appleman) - a guy she likes from school – in a nearby swimming hole. When Dawn changes her mind regarding the loss of her virginity, Tobey tries to rape her and consequently receives a bloody, yet hilarious, castration in reward for his efforts. You see, it turns out Dawn is a living myth; Vagina Dentata – Latin for “toothed vagina” and when her puss gets pissed, it chomps on down. Nice.

Any normal female would have reservations about anyone else coming anywhere near their mutant vagina after such an event, but not Dawn who decides to sleep with another of her male friends almost instantly. Dawn then decides thatvisiting a gynaecologist (that is unfortunately keen on inappropriately touching his clients) is a good idea. Oh, and then she decides a bit of incest related revenge on her step brother is in order. All of which lead to driving force of the plot; the mass, uproarious and grotesque lobbing off of cocks.

The acting in the film is absolutely terrible. The editing is abysmal. The porno-like soundtrack is completely cringe worthy. But I would still recommend that you rent Teeth. If you are female and decide you want to watch this, the best piece of advice I can give you is to ensure that you watch it with some men in close proximity. The shear horror that washes over the faces of men who watch this is absolutely priceless and lets face it ladies – we’re never going to fully understand the fear of penis castration like men do!

Everybody in my household was literally screaming the house down in unison, half with laughter and half in absolute dismay. I feel this reaction is summarative of a successful comedy horror. If Teeth had strictly belonged to only one of the genres of comedy or horror, the film would not have worked so well since everything was too badly executed to adhere to our expectations of either of these genres alone.

Together though, the mix is priceless – if a little gruesome. Teeth seems aware of itself as a cheap, crappy B movie, making in-jokes regarding the plot and subject matter of the film throughout its duration. I was most amused by the iconography used, including a tree that looked like a vagina in the opening shot of an early scene and also, the lingering moment where Dawn’s brother oddly teases his girlfriend by trying to put a dog biscuit in her mouth, which she then tries to bite.

It’s going to be a long while before I can forget this film.

Or the image of a dog, chewing up an unattached, pierced bellend.

Eugh. Hahahaha!